ACT II
A PRISON CELL
The stage is in darkness apart from a wavering warm glow/light visible through the grill window of a door that is set to the rear of the stage, left. There is also the reflection of the wavering light and grill pattern on the floor of the stage. We hear echoed footsteps, the sound of dripping water and an eerie breeze. The footsteps get gradually louder until they stop. We then hear the sound of a great many large locks and bolts being undone (ten, then a short pause, then another four, then a short pause, then a final one.) the door is pulled open (creaking) and we hear a gruff voice say:
Guard
Get in there!
We see a body, Arthur Brown, being hurled onto the stage and then hear the door being closed (the creaking SFX played in reverse) followed by fourteen of the locks and bolts being locked. We then hear the footsteps again, gradually getting quieter, the footsteps stop, we hear the gruff voice:
Guard
Bugger!
We then hear the footsteps start again, getting louder. They stop, we hear one final lock being locked, then the footsteps start again gradually getting quieter until they fade.
[Pause]
Arthur Brown
[Groans]
Blind Man
[Groans back]
Arthur Brown
Hello… Hello… is there somebody there?
[Silence]
Hello… Hello… Is somebody there?
[silence]
I heard you, I heard you, are you there?
[silence]
Oh.
[Pause]
[We hear a shuffling sound as if something is being slowly dragged along the floor]
There! I heard you, are you there? I can hear you. Who are you?
Who are you?
[silence]
[Then we hear the shuffling sound again]
I can hear you, who is that, who’s there? Who’s there!
[pause]
Blind Man
Frank?
Frank, is that you?
Arthur Brown
[Tentatively moves round the stage searching for the owner of the voice]
Who is that? Where are you?
Blind Man
Is that you Frank? Why you sound so funny? You sick?
Arthur Brown
What?
Blind Man
You sick Frank? Sounds like you’re sick. Sore throat eh?
Arthur Brown
What?
Who are you?
Where are you?
Blind Man
Don’t be like that Frank. I’ve got some oil here somewhere , that will do the trick.
Arthur Brown
Gotcha!
Blind Man
Oi, Get off. Hold on, you aint Frank.
[Struggles]
Frank, Frank? What you done with Frank.
[wails]
Frank, Frank, help me Frank, he’s got me.
Arthur Brown
Ok ok, I’m letting go.
I’m letting go.
[Blind Man strikes Arthur Brown with a cane, Arthur Brown shouts in pain]
Blind Man
Ah, that got you. That got him Frank, that got him. Frank, Frank? What you done with him eh? What you done with Frank I‘ll hit you again….
Arthur Brown
I’ve done nothing to him!
Blind Man
Well were is he then?
Arthur Brown
I don’t bloody know.
[there is another loud crack of the walking cane]
Blind Man
We’ll have non of that swearing in here.
Arthur Brown
Alright, alright, no more swearing, just stop bloody hitting me
[another crack]
Aghh, right, that does it you bastard!
Blind Man
Help, help! Guards, he’s killing me. Guards, guards! Help! Help! Help…
Guard
[off] keep the noise down in there!
Blind Man
Why did you stop.
Arthur Brown
Because you were making such a racket.
Blind Man
Well you shouldn’t have tried to kill me then.
Arthur Brown.
I wasn’t really going to kill you. I was just thinking about it.
Blind Man
You was?
Arthur Brown
Yes. I wasn’t really going to do it.
Blind Man
You weren’t?
Arthur Brown
No. after all, who could possibly find it within them to strangle to death a fucking, lunatic.
[we hear another crack of the cane]
Arthur Brown
[Screams]
[Black out]
[LIGHTS UP]
Blind Man
Have you found it yet?
Arthur Brown
No, you sure it is here?
Blind Man
Its somewhere there. Its hanging up.
Arthur Brown
Hold on, there is something here.
[we hear the sound of a toilet flushing]
Blind Man
Oh, that’s right, the toilet is on that wall… that means the lantern is on … no, wait a minute. Its…er… He came in, walked around a bit. Kicked me, kicked Frank, turned to leave and hung the lantern… from the ceiling! that’s it, that’s it, the lanterns hanging from the ceiling!
Arthur Brown
Do you have any idea where it is on the ceiling.
Blind Man
No, no, Frank used to sort that, perhaps we should ask him. Frank, Frank? Oh…
[BLACKOUT]
[LIGHTS UP]
Blind Man
Have you got it?
Try leaning a little to your left. Any better?
Arthur Brown.
No.
Are you sure its here?
Blind Man
Yes, of course it is there. Where else would it be?
It is quite high up though.
Hey, hey, where are you going?
Arthur Brown
I’m getting a chair.
Blind Man
Oh I don’t think you’ll need a chair.
Arthur Brown
I thought you said it was hanging from the ceiling..
Blind Man
Well it is. But I don’t think it is necessary to move a chair. I mean, what would they say.
Arthur Brown
[moving chair]
What would who say?
Blind Man
The guards.
Arthur Brown
[stops moving, thinks for a bit then continues moving the chair]
Bugger the guards!
Blind Man
Bugger the guards indeed, fancy that! Did you hear that Frank, bugger the guards he says, bugger the guards.
Arthur Brown
I think I’ve found it, yes, here it is. Have you got something to light it with?
Blind Man
I’ve got a candle, I’ll just get it. There you go.
Arthur Brown.
Well that’s great lot of use.
Blind Man
What is?
Arthur Brown
That Candle.
Blind Man
You’re quite welcome
Arthur Brown
I was being sarcastic.
Blind Man
Sarcastic, why? Oh, no gas in the lantern eh?
Arthur Brown
No, there’s no Bloody flame on the Candle!
Blind Man
Well why didn’t you say, here, have a match.
[strikes match, it goes out]
Oh…
[Blackout]
[LIGHTS UP]
Blind Man
Now be careful, it’s the last one.
Arthur Brown
Right, for god sake, this time, don’t sneeze, come to think of it don’t speak, cough, fart, chuckle
or even breathe. Right, you ready?
[we hear a muffled response from the blind man. Arthur Brown strikes the match, we see the match move slowly in the air towards the lantern, the lantern is carefully lit and the cell, stage, is finally in light. There is a very large pile of spent matches at the foot of the chair, we see Arthur Brown on the chair and the Blind Man to the side, the Blind Man is wearing a cloak and has a walking stick, he has a cloth around his eyes that is blood stained, it should be clear he is blind. There are other lanterns around the cell and Arthur Brown lights the candle and starts lighting the other lanterns. As the cell falls into light we can see its layout, on the rear wall there are a number of large grills which lead to other cells, there is a door towards the rear stage left and stage right there are some steps and an large grill door. There is a table and a chair stage right, sat on the chair collapsed onto the table top are the skeletal remains of Frank]
Arthur Brown
I think I’ve found Frank
Blind Man
Have you, have you, great, where is he.
Arthur Brown
I think he’s dead.
Blind man.
Oh. Are you sure?
Arthur Brown
I’m fairly certain, yes.
Blind Man
He did say he wasn’t feeling too great.
Arthur Brown
I don’t think he was.
Blind Man
Must have had the flu or something, said his throat was sore, didn’t really say much after that.
Arthur Brown
[looking around]
So how long have you been in here then.
Blind Man
Who me?
Arthur Brown
No Frank, Of course you!
Blind Man
Twenty eight years, seven months three days and nine hours… give or take a few years.
Arthur Brown
So, not long then.
Blind Man
Franks been here longer mind. He’d been here a good five years before I arrived.
So, what you in for? Murder? Rape?
Arthur Brown
Walking.
Blind Man
Walking?
Arthur Brown
And Talking.
Blind Man
Walking and talking eh? [chuckles]
So you are not a killer?
Arthur Brown
No. I’m not a killer.
Blind Man
That’s good. I’m not fond of killers. Frank was a killer, he killed two people he said, one with his bare hands, coarse I knew he was only trying to scare me, at first anyway, the guard said he was in for stealing a pig. Turned out that that’s what he did, stole it from the king he did, got caught because the pig was squealing so much.
[pause]
So how long you in for?
Arthur Brown
They didn’t say.
Blind Man
That’s not good. They’ll throw away the key probably.
[pause]
They’ll not be letting you out any time soon I bet.
[pause]
So mister, what’s your name?
Arthur Brown
Arthur.
Blind Man
Arthur. I had a dog called Arthur once. Fell in a well, broke all three of his legs he did. Poor sod. Poor Arthur.
[pause]
Arthur?
You got anything to eat?
Arthur Brown
No.
Blind Man
Oh.
[pause]
Never mind, I expect they’ll bring something soon.
Arthur Brown
How often do they come
Blind Man
You can never be sure, could be once a day, once every two days, twice a week, who knows.
Me and Frank spent a whole month without them coming at all once.
Arthur Brown
What did you eat?
Blind Man
Rats… mainly.
Arthur Brown
Rats?
Blind Man
There’s a fair bit of meat on a rat if you know where to look, they come up the toilet don’t you know. Unless it’s blocked.
Arthur Brown
Nice.
Blind Man
Talking of toilets
[he goes to the toilet, drops his trousers and sits down, Arthur brown looks away]
[long pause with toilet sounds]
That’s better.
[we see the blind man grasping for something on the floor]
You seen the cloth?
Arthur Brown
Cloth?
Blind Man
The toilet cloth.
Arthur Brown.
No.
Blind Man.
Well have a look, its round here somewhere
Arthur Brown
What does it look like.
Blind Man
It looks like a cloth you use on the toilet, [to self] I knew they’d give me a stupid one.
[Arthur moves to nearer the toilet]
Arthur Brown
No, can’t see it.
Blind Man
Well it must be here somewhere.
Arthur Brown
Hold on… I think I’ve found it, its above you head.
[the cloth hangs from a chain above the toilet .Blind Man Stretches]
No, left a bit, a bit further, no, that’s too far…
Blind Man
Can’t you reach it?
Arthur Brown
I’m not touching that, its full of sh…. Stuff.
Blind Man
Very well then.
[he sways his arms round frantically and knock the cloth from it hanging place onto Arthur Browns Head]
Got it!
[BLACKOUT]
[LIGHTS UP]
Arthur Brown
So, have you ever tried to?
Blind Man
I think we did once. We found a spoon.
Arthur Brown
What happened?
Blind Man
Well, Frank started digging, just behind the toilet, but he said the smell was off putting, so he stopped.
Arthur Brown
Then what did you do?
Blind Man.
Well, then we banged the door a bit.
Arthur Brown
Yes?
Blind Man
But no-one came. So we gave up.
Arthur Brown
But there must be a way out somewhere.
Blind Man
Oh, I’m sure there is. Its just, well, where?
Tree Man
Psstt
[silence]
Ppsssttt!
Over here
[we see tree man's head behind one of the grills on the back wall]
Sorry. I don’t want to interrupt, but I couldn’t help overhearing. Are you trying to escape?
Arthur Brown
How long have you been there?
Tree Man
About a week.
Arthur Brown
Why are you locked up?
Tree man
I’m not entirely sure. I was at your hearing if you remember, I told them all about trees and then on my way out I was nobbled.
Blind Man
Did you say trees?
Tree man
Why yes. I know quite a bit about trees.
Blind Man
Beautiful things trees
Tree man
So it seems, so it seems. So were you then?
Arthur Brown
Were we what?
Tree man
Planning to escape?
Arthur Brown
Its no use. There’s no way out.
Tree Man
Have you tried the door?
Arthur Brown
No, we decided we would try every other way apart from the most obvious.
Tree man
Oh.
Blind Man
He’s being sarcastic. He does that sometimes.
Tree man
Oh.
I’d try the doors. If I was planning an escape the doors would be the first place I’d try.
Arthur Brown
Of course we’ve tried the bloody doors!
Tree man
What both of them?
Arthur Brown
Yes both of them!
Tree man
Only I couldn’t hep noticing that you have two. I’ve only got one see. Its very small in here. Hardly enough room to swing a cat. You need at least seven square feet to swing a cat. You need five and a half square feet to swing a kitten, I could probably swing one of those.
[pause]
I don’t suppose either of you have a kitten on your person do you?
Arthur Brown
No, we don’t have a kitten.
Blind Man
I could probably find you a rat. Would a rat do?
Tree man
Oh, maybe. Is it a big rat.
Arthur Brown
Enough!
Look, at the moment we are stuck in this bloody cell till god knows when, no I’d rather not spend the rest of my life holed up with you two, so please, can we forget about the cat, the kitten and the bloody rat and concentrate on getting out of here!
Tree man.
Sorry.
I didn’t mean anything by it, its just sometimes I get carried away.
[pause]
A rhinoceros!
Arthur Brown
What?
Tree man
A rhinoceros.
Arthur Brown
For fuck sake!
[Blind Man hits him with his cane]
Argh!
Blind Man
You watch your language, we’ve got a guest.
Arthur Brown
That does it! Give me that bloody cane.
[Arthur Brown tries to take cane off Blind Man]
Man with the pipe
[appears from behind second grate]
I don’t think you should be doing that!
[Arthur Brown and Blind Man jump in surprise]
Arthur Brown
Were did you come from?
Man with the Pipe
I’ve been here all the time… Listening.
Blind Man
To what? What have you heard?
Man with the Pipe
Well lots of things actually. I was going to say something a couple of days ago when you were arguing over who sleeps on the chair, but then I decided against it.
Tree man
Oh yes, that was a good one. It made me laugh that one did.
Arthur Brown
Why?
Tree man
Well it was a very silly thing to argue about. After all, you’ve got two chairs in there if I’m not mistaken.
Arthur Brown
Nobody asked you.
Tree man
Well if you would have done I could have helped.
Arthur Brown
A fine lot of help you’d have been.
Man with the Pipe
that’s not very nice. I thought his plan for escaping through the door was excellent.
I’ve thought a lot about escaping through the years, what with being stuck most often than not. And here I am, once again. Stuck.
Tree man
That’s why we need a rhinoceros.
Arthur Brown
What?
Tree man
A rhinoceros. Its sort of like a large… pig.
Arthur Brown
I know what a rhinoceros is.
Tree man
Have you got one then?
Arthur Brown
No. No, I do not have a rhinoceros!
Tree man
That’s a shame. We could have used it.
Man with the Pipe
I’ve never seen a rhinoceros. Like a pig you say?
Tree man
Well, a bit like a pig. It has a horn
Man with a pipe
I’ve seen a pig, ruddy great smelly thing it was. Stood next to me for two days chewing my trousers.
Arthur Brown
How could a rhinoceros help us?
Tree man
We could train it.
Arthur Brown
To do what.
[we hear footsteps approaching from off]
Tree man
Help us escape, stupid
Blind Man
Hush, somebody’s coming.
[the footsteps get louder, then stop outside the door]
Quick, hide!
[they all try to hide, but there is nowhere and so the are left standing centre stage]
[the locks start to be unlocked]
Do you think they heard us?
Arthur Brown
I really don’t think it would matter if they did.
Tree man
Shhhhhh.
[we hear the last few locks being unlocked then the door slowly creaks open]
[pause]
[Beautiful Witch enters]
Beautiful Witch
It’s only me!
Blind Man
Who are you?
Arthur Brown
she’s the Beautiful Witch
Blind Man
Is she?
Arthur Brown
Yes.
Blind Man
No, is she?
Arthur Brown
Beautiful?
Blind Man
Yes.
Arthur brown
Yes.
Blind Man
And…
Arthur Brown
A witch?
Blind Man
Yes
Arthur Brown
Yes.
Blind Man
[to witch] Hello You!
Beautiful Witch
We haven’t much time. I’ve had a vision.
Blind Man
A vision eh?
Arthur Brown
She tends to have those.
Blind Man
Does she?
Arthur Brown
Yes.
[pause]
So what was your vision this time?
Beautiful Witch
A riot.
Arthur Brown
A riot?
Beautiful Witch
That you started.
Arthur Brown
Now hold on…
Blind Man
Trouble maker!
Beautiful Witch
Its good.
Blind Man
Good? A riot?
Beautiful Witch
It’s what we need.
We have been repressed for two long.
Blind Man
Cheer up love, it can’t be that bad.
Arthur Brown
REPRESSED, she said REPRESSED.
Blind Man
Can’t be good.
Beautiful Witch
In my vision I saw a huge angry mob. They were calling for the king to be executed, then one of the king’s own soldiers turned to the king himself and said ‘I’d find somewhere to hide if I was you boss’. and with that the king ran away!
Blind Man
Well fancy that. Why would they do such a thing? Poor old king. I mean, what’s he done to deserve that?
Man with the pipe and Tree Man
Here, here!
Arthur Brown
He’s imprisoned us you fools, that’s what he’s done.
[We now start to hear a raging mob in the background gradually getting louder]
Arthur Brown
So what happened?
Beautiful Witch
They heard your story. They believed it. They are looking for the sun!
Blind Man
The Sun! [to Arthur] You’ve seen the sun?
Arthur Brown
Well, not exactly no. I did see a cloud though.
Blind Man
So you’re the one. You went top side.
Beautiful Witch
Yes he did.
Tree Man
And he saw a tree! You did see a tree didn’t you?
Arthur Brown
Well…
Man with the Pipe
It was me who sent him there.
Tree man
Yes, yes, I believe it was…
[the mob sound effect is getting very loud]
Arthur Brown
[to witch] This vision you had…
Beautiful Witch
well when I said vision, it wasn’t my usual kind.
Arthur Brown
No?
Beautiful Witch
No. You see, usually when I have a vision I start to feel a bit faint and then it kind of comes to me in a sort of dream.
Arthur Brown
And this vision?
Beautiful Witch
Well its funny, but it was kind of like seeing it with my own eyes, it was a bit too re…
Arthur Brown
…real!
Judge
Quick, in there horsy!
[at this the Judge and Prosecutor enter the cell, bursting through the door. The Judge is sat in a wooden cart that is pulled by the prosecutor. The Judge has a large bottle of wine in one hand and a large glass in the other]
Arthur Brown
You!
Judge and Prosecutor
You!
Tree man and Man with the pipe
It’s them, It’s them!
Blind Man
Who?
Tree man and Man with the pipe
Them, them!
Blind Man
Oh, them.
Judge
Quick, shut the door!
Arthur Brown
Why should we?
Judge
Because they are not taking Prisoners!
Prosecutor
They are killing everyone they find.
Arthur Brown
Everyone?
Judge and Prosecutor
Everyone!
Blind Man, Man with the pipe, Tree man and Witch
Quick! Shut the door, shut the door!
[Arthur Brown Does]
Arthur Brown
Now what do we do?
Judge
We need to find a way to escape!
Arthur Brown
We’ve looked. There is no way out.
Tree Man
I don’t suppose either of you gentlemen have a rhinocerous secreted on your persons do you?
Beautiful Witch
The Key. Try the Key.
Arthur Brown
What key…
Of course. The Key.
Blind Man
Key? What key? You said key then, what key?
Arthur Brown
The Key the Beautiful Witch gave me. The Crocodile said it would help.
Blind Man
Have you been eating my mushrooms?
Arthur Brown
Here, look.
Well, feel it then.
Blind Man
You mean you had this all the time.
Arthur Brown
It was round my neck, I forgot.
Blind Man
Well stop being a bloody fool and use the bugger!
Arthur Brown
Yes, yes…
[he goes to the door stage right and puts the key in the lock]
It’s a bit stiff.
Blind Man
Spit on it, that should do the trick.
[Arthur Brown does]
Well? well?
Arthur Brown
It’s turning…
Its open.
[all cheer]
Well come on then.
[Blind Man, Beautiful Witch, Judge, Prosecutor and Arthur all rush to the door]
[we then hear a whistle, they turn to the rear of the stage and see man with the pipe and tree man still inside their cells]
Man with the pipe
What about us?
Tree man
Yes, what about us, you can’t leave us.
Prosecutor
Well come on then!
Man with the pipe
The doors horsy, they’re locked.
Judge
Oh we never lock those doors, I mean, what if you need to use the toilet?
[Man with the pipe and Tree man look at each other and open the doors. They jump out, hug each other and run to the door]
Judge
Well, come on then!
[They go through the door witch leads to a stair case that runs up the back wall of the stage, we see all the characters ascending the staircase as they do they quietly speak various lines from earlier in the play, every few steps a character disappears into the background until almost at the very top of the set we are left with the Blind Man followed by Arthur Brown]
Blind Man
You know, you never did ask me my name.
Arthur Brown
Did I not?
Blind Man
No.
It’s Arthur.
Arthur Brown
Oh.
Blind Man
And you never seemed curious as to how I came to lose my sight.
[At this point Arthur Brown has also disappeared and we are left with The Blind Man on his own at the very top of the set]
Oh. He’s gone.
[the Blind Man turns with his back to the audience and as he does there is a very bright light in front of him that means we only see him in silhouette at the top of the set.]
THE END
© simon garlick
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