CINDERELLA
By Simon Garlick
CHARACTERS
CINDERELLA FUNNYBUM-SMITH …………… Our Heroine
PRINCE CHARMING ……………………………… Our Hero
FLATULA FUNNYBUM …………………………… Cinder’s Wicked Stepmum
FLORA FUNNYBUM ……………………………… Cinder’s Ugly Sister
FAUNA FUNNYBUM ……………………………… Cinder’s Ugly Sister
FAIRYBELL ………………………………………… A Fairy Godmother
BUTTONS …………………………………………… The Princes Manservant
GHOST ……………………………………………… A Ghost
NARRATOR
VICAR
VARIOUS CATS, NOBILITY, AND SPOOKS
CAST
CINDERELLA FUNNYBUM-SMITH …………… Cheryl Halliwell
PRINCE CHARMING ……………………………… Jordan Brown
FLATULA FUNNYBUM …………………………… Catherine Alder
FLORA FUNNYBUM ……………………………… Simon Wild
FAUNA FUNNYBUM ……………………………… Daniel Taylor
FAIRYBELL ………………………………………… Rowena Toledo
BUTTONS …………………………………………… Benne
GHOST ……………………………………………… Rob Treharne
NARRATOR ………………………………………… Simon Garlick
VICAR ……………………………………………….. Rob Treharne
CATS, NOBILITY, AND SPOOKS ….. Broadway and le’Caberet dancers
SCENES
The Kitchen at Cinders’ House
A Ballroom at the Princes Castle
The Kitchen at Cinders’ House
A Spooky Forest
The Kitchen at Cinders’ House
The Princes castle
Music and Dance Routines
Scene 1:
Flatula sings – Rough and Ready man
Flora and fauna sing – Nothing like a Dame
Cinder’s Sings – You are not Alone
Fairybell Sings – When you wish upon a star
Dancers ‘Cats’ Routine
Scene 2:
Dancers Ballroom dance Routine 1st Can Can 2nd : making your mind up 3rd : ketchup
Buttons Sing: CRAZY?
Scene 4:
Scene 5:
Company Sing: Disney Medley
And So It Begins
BLACKOUT
Band Play When you wish upon a star
SCENE 1
THE KITCHEN IN CINDERELLA’S HOUSE
The Stage is in Darkness, Cinders is Fixing the ball gowns of the two ugly sisters who are drinking mugs of tea. The narrator enters Stage right and begins speech.
NARRATOR
Welcome all to this wondrous tale
Of Princes rich and maidens pure
Of wishes granted, dreams made true
Of love, romance and evil too.
We’ll go back when, to tales of old
Where summer’s hot and winter’s cold
And a young girl dreams for her one true love
She preys unto the stars above
As the grimy floors she starts to scrub.
Her only dream, can it come true?
I guess we’ll see and so will you
For this indeed is a fairytale
With twists and turns and ghosts that wail
So while the captain calls set sail
Sit back, relax and enjoy our tale
Of Cinderella and her stepmum
Two sisters too and a guy called buttons
Of a fairy who is pure of heart
And our first technician, who demanded a part
A shoe that fits and a wood that’s scary
A prince who’s handsome, did I mention the fairy?
I think I did so lets get started
We’ll join the ugly sisters sharpish
As they get dressed up for a dead posh party!
FLORA
Oh my goodness, can you believe that it’s the prince’s ball, this very eve?
FAUNA
Indeed dear Flora, I must confess, I need a spanking… brand new dress!
FLORA
Please tell me Fauna, why do you speak, in rhyme, it really does sound sweet.
FAUNA
That’s the writer see, he’s such a traditionalist, all this poetic scribble must have hurt his wrist, because it stops right here!
FLATULA
[Off Stage]
Cinders! Cinders! Where is that dratted girl!…CINDERS!!!!
[Enters]
Ah, there you are you horrible little thing, have you finished making your sister’s dresses, the Prince’s ball is tonight, don’t you know!
FAUNA
The Ball!
FLORA
The Ball!
FAUNA
The prince!
FLORA
The Prince!
FAUNA
Oh I’m all wet!
FLATULA
Yes, yes girls, stop your dribbling, its tonight so I want you looking your best. I hear he’s on the look out for a bride, and one of us, (aside) and in saying that I really mean me! Is going to marry the prince and be very, very, very, very, very, very, RICH!
INTO SONG: Rough and ready man
FLORA
Oh but mummy, have you ever set eyes on the prince before? Is he handsome?
FAUNA
Yes is he…. Is he?
FLORA
Oh I bet he is… I bet he is!
FAUNA
Handsome Yes, he must be! I do so love a good looking young man!
FLORA
[Aside]
This is only a play you know Dan
FAUNA
Yes I do know! I am an ACTOR, I went to RADA don’t you know!
FLORA
Yes RADA, so I heard… isn’t that the Retired Alcoholic Dames Association?
FLATULA
Enough of this bickering, girls. Yes, the Prince is very handsome and he’s also Very, very, very, very, very, very RICH!
Now come along, I want to see you in your new dresses
FAUNA
[Aside]
There’s something wrong about that last line.
INTO SONG: Nothing like a Dame
FLATULA
While we are away Cinder’s, make sure you sweep the floor, clean out the fire, make the beds, wash the dishes, cook the tea…. And, try not to get in the way while you’re doing it!
Oh, and while you’re doing that, make sure you clean out the cat litter tray! I can’t have my kitties unhappy. I want to see all of them smiling and happy and clean!
Come on Girls!
[All exit bar Cinders]
CINDERS
[To Audience]
She’s not my real mum you know. My real mum was beautiful, and nice, and kind…but she died… She wasn’t anything like Fungus Flatula and her two horrible fumbling daughters Flora and Fauna, Oh-no, Flatula never lets me do anything nice, why can’t I go to the ball, I’m pretty (to Audience) Don’t you think I’m pretty?
BUTTONS
I think you’re pretty.
In fact I think you’re the prettiest girl I ever did see!
CINDERS
Who are you?
BUTTONS
I’m Buttons
CINDERS
That’s a funny name. Hi Buttons, I’m Cinders
BUTTONS
Hi Cinders! (To Audience) Hi Kids… Hi BIG Kids!
CINDERS
What are you doing here, Buttons?
BUTTONS
I came on the Prince’s orders, I’m supposed to give out invitations to his ball tonight.
He gave them to me a week ago, only I forgot about them and now I’m rushing around trying to give them all out in time. I don’t suppose a lovely girl like you would help me out would you?
CINDERS
Oh you sweet-talker! Well if it makes things easier
BUTTONS
It would
CINDERS
OK then.
BUTTONS
Oh, that’s wonderful, You’re wonderful….
OK, lets see, yes yes I think these are the right ones, I have invitations for:
Madam Flatula Funnybum
Miss Flora Funnybum
Miss Fauna Funnybum
And Miss Cinderella Funnybum-Smith
Will you make sure they get them?
CINDERS
Sure
BUTTONS
You are kind, well better dash…Thanks,
Bye Kids!
Bye Big Kids!
…Bye Cinders.
[Buttons exits]
CINDERS
Its really not fair, why can’t I go to the ball, I got an invitation too, The thing is, I’ve got nothing to wear, and I can’t go dressed like a kitchen maid. Fungus Flatula wouldn’t let me go anyway, she’d probably rip up my invite.
I think I’ll hide it.
Flatula is so horrible to me, making me do all this work, making their dresses, washing the dishes, scrubbing the floor and all on my own…
What did my mother used to say
[CINDERS SINGS: YOU ARE NOT ALONE]
[After Song]
CINDERS
Well I can’t mope around here all day, not with all that work to do. Oh my goodness, I nearly forgot the cats, I had better start cleaning their litter trays, You know, She cares more about her cats than she does about me! And there are so many of them, they’re all over the place!
[INTO DANCE ROUTINE FROM CATS]
[After Dance]
CINDERS
If only my dreams would come true, just like in the fairy tales, where a fairy appears and magic’s up a nice new dress and Turns lots of mice into a coach and some horses. But I bet with all these cats around there aren’t any mice… and I don’t believe in fairies anyway…
[ENTER FAIRYBELL]
FAIRYBELL
Why ever not my poor sweet dear,
You may not see us, but we are always near
To give and grant the righteous wishes
We can even magic up clean dishes!
CINDERS
Are you, are you…a fairy?
FAIRYBELL
I am indeed, can you not tell
I’ve got the dress and wand as well
I live in yonder lush green dell
My name it is sweet Fairybell!
So why the tears my dear sweet thing
I guess its all these floors to clean
We’ll have to whip up something quick
To get you out of this great big fix.
A ball takes place tonight I believe
So sharpish should you take your leave
And head straight to the castle where
A lovely man will meet you there.
CINDERS
But I have nothing to wear!
FAIRYBELL
Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut
Just leave that to me, I’ll sort that for you
I’ll turn the kitties into a horse or two
To whisk you away to the event of the year,
Where there’ll be dancing and singing and the drinking of beer!
CINDERS
You’d do that for me?
Oh wonderful, I’m so overjoyed
I think I could cry…
[FAIRYBELL SINGS: When you wish upon a star]
[After Song]
FAIRYBELL
So Cinders it looks like you shall go to the ball
To dance with the prince, [Cinders] oh I hope he is tall
Beware however for on the stroke of twelve
The magic will fade when it’s the end of my spell.
END OF SCENE 1
BAND PLAY When you wish
SCENE 2
The Prince’s Castle, Decked out for a nice fucking rave. (sorry, of course I meant, expensive party)
NARRATOR
And so it seems our scene is set
Cinders is happy of that you can bet
She’s off to the Ball in a spanking new dress
So is Flora and Fauna and Fetula, who’ll be best
And win the heart of the tall handsome Prince
With the cleaning all done I don’t think she’ll be missed
And so lets go to the castle ourselves
To see buttons again, will there be wedding bells?
BUTTONS
Hi Kids, Hi Big Kids!!!
Are you all right?
I’m not, in fact I’m rather sad. You see I’ve met a girl,
She’s ever so nice, but I have to work tonight, it’s the prince’s ball and I’ve got to introduce all the dead posh people to him!
Oops, I can see them coming, so I better get started:
CUE OLD CAN CAN
Ah-hmmm… Your Royal highness, please welcome
Lady Nadia of Doodlepum
Lord Den of Doodlepum
King Yura of Diddledoop
Lady Angelica of Diddledoop
Queen Elena and princess natasha of Dongleding
AFTER DANCE: OLD CAN CAN
BUTTONS
Yet more arrive! Please allow me to introduce:
Count Slava and Lady Polina of Durdledorf
Baron Von Alexi and Baroness Tatiana of Dimpledoo
Lady Leana and Queen Marina of Dentaloop
Madam Flatula Funnybum and Miss’ Flora and Fauna Funnybums of the small yet pretty cottage over yonder hill.
Well that’s all done so I suppose I should introduce the Prince so we can get this party rocking!
Do you want to meet him?
Are you sure?
Ok then… Please welcome his Royal Highness, the most Handsome of Handsome, the most Rich of Rich, the one, the only…. Prince Charming!
[PRINCE CHARMING ENTERS TO FANFARE]
PRINCE CHARMING
Thanks for that Buttons, splendid intro…
[At the front of stage the Prince and Buttons chat]
So Buttons, my faithful man servant, you know why I organised this ball, I must seek out a queen to join me in my kingdom… It is so very lonely here. So what do you think mate, are there any fit ones?
BUTTONS
Well… let me see… how about Madam Flatula Funnybum.
PRINCE
Too old
BUTTONS
OK, OK, then how about Miss Flora Funnybum
PRINCE
Too Fat
BUTTONS
I see, in that case how about Miss Fauna Funnybum
PRINCE
Too Thin.
BUTTONS
Well all you’ve got to do is make your mind up
[DANCE: Making your mind up]
AT END OF SONG
FAUNA
[pointing at cinders]
Who Is THAT!
BUTTONS
Ah yes how about Miss Mystery Lady who looks strangely familiar, over there?
PRINCE
Yes, yes, now she’s a possibility
My Lords Ladies and Gentlemen from near and afar, please eat, drink, dance and be Merry!
INTO DANCE: KETCHUP SONG
AFTER KETCHUP
[The Dance stops when 12 o'clock strikes and cinders runs away]
PRINCE
Stop! Stop! At least tell me your name!… Please…..
[To Buttons]
Buttons, follow her, I must find out who she is, she’s so delicate, so sweet, she’s beautiful, I think I love her!
[Exit Prince and Party Guests]
BUTTONS
Its funny you know, she does look familiar, she is lovely, don’t you think? I never get nice girls like that, I wish I was good-looking or as rich as the prince, then I’d have a girlfriend too… But nobody wants me… I bet Cinders won’t want me either…
[BUTTONS SINGS: CRAZY]
BUTTONS
[As Leaving]
What’s this… it’s a golden slipper, it must have slipped off when that mystery girl ran away… I better go and tell the Prince.
[EXIT BUTTONS]
END OF SCENE 2
NARRATOR
Well there we have it, pure and straight
Their love is sealed, it must be fate
The party’s over, and what a blast
The Funnybums stayed until the last…
Drop of beer was had out of the barrel
And so they returned in their outrageous apparel
Unto their house, where Cinders was working
The Funnybums were drunk, Flatula was bottom burping!
SCENE 3
[Back in Cinders' kitchen]
FLATULA
BURP!!!!
Oh my goodness, what a great party, I do feel rather strange though…..FART!!
FLORA
Its just not fair, that mystery girl, who looks strangely familiar, was dancing with the Prince all night long!
FAUNA
We didn’t even get a look-in! and us with our pretty little faces as well!
FLATULA
Don’t be silly girls, he didn’t take his eyes off us all night…..
He was just….. shy, yes that’s it, the Prince was shy…. FART.
Look, I bet there is a knock on the door any minute and it will be Princey darling wanting us to go to tea tomorrow night!…FART.
[Sound off: Knock on Door]
FLATULA
See what did I tell you,
[Goes to answer door]
Come in… OH Do come in…
BUTTONS
[Bursting through door (oh alright bursting onto stage!)]
Hi Kids… Hi Big Kids! Hi Cinders…
CINDERS
Hi Buttons
BUTTONS
Ladies… I have an announcement to make.
FLATULA
Yes, yes….FART
BUTTONS
It is very important.
FLORA and FAUNA
Yes, yes
(FLATULA: FARTS)
BUTTONS
Is everybody listening?
FLORA and FAUNA
Yes…ye…
FLATULA (butts in)
Look, mister, bobbins or whatever your name is, GET ON WITH IT!!!
BUTTONS
Oh…OK then
Ah-hmmmmmn…
His royal Highness, Prince charming
Would like it to be known that…
He’s found his queen.
A shoe was left, this very eve.
And it belongs to her, he does believe
So tomorrow when the sun is up,
He’ll come a searching for his love
The perfect fit he wants to find,
And the wearer will become his bride
AMEN….got to dash!
[BUTTONS EXITS]
FLATULA
Oh…oh…how exciting… burp. I just know it will be me, or if not me, at least one of us three!
FLORA and FAUNA
Yes, yes, it will be me or if not me at least one of us three!!!
[Exit Flatula, Flora and Fauna]
CINDERS
That’s it! I’m not staying round here any longer!
That’s MY shoe, it should be me who marries the prince!
But I bet wicked Flatula won’t even let me try it on… She’d cut off her own toes to fit in that shoe… oh, what am I going to do?
I know… I’ll run away!
[CINDERS EXITS]
[FLATULA ENTERS]
FLATULA
Cinders! Cinders! Where is that dratted girl!
Flora!, Fauna!
[Flora and Fauna Enter]
Will you find that runt! I want this place spotless before the Prince arrives tomorrow!
END OF SCENE 3
SCENE 4
A DARK AND SCARY WOOD
[NARRATOR ENTERS]
NARRATOR
And so it would seem that fates not set
For poor Cinderella seems rather upset
She’s just run away from her house and her home
But she’s gone the wrong way, into the woods she has roamed.
For there, there are spooks and horrible ghosties,
And evil things that eat humans in toasties
And so it looks like Cinders’ end is nigh,
Unless a hapless hero can save the day!
[ENTER CINDERS]
Oh-no, I think I’m lost, and this wood looks oh-so-very dark! Why did I run away… Oh why did my mummy die… Oh why, oh why, oh why???
[CINDERS CRIES]
[ENTER BUTTONS]
BUTTONS
Hi Kids, Hi Big Kids
Hi Cinders … what are you doing here, all alone in these big dark woods?
CINDERS
Oh Buttons…Buttons! Thank goodness you’re here… I’m so sorry… I’ve run away because I went to the ball and I fell in love with the prince and I lost my shoe and Flatula was burping and laughing and oh-so cruel and I just don’t know what to do…
BUTTONS
I thought that mystery girl looked familiar… It was you, wasn’t it?
CINDERS
Yes, yes it was me Buttons, but… but… but.
[Cinders starts to cry]
BUTTONS
Now, now, don’t cry… it will be all right…Take my hanky
[Gives hanky to Cinders, Cinders blows nose very loudly!]
I’m here now… Cinders… do you really love the Prince?
CINDERS
Yes, yes, with all of my heart, I love him so much
[BLOWS NOSE AGAIN, even more loudly]
[Buttons turns away during this and her answer, but he soon turns back]
BUTTONS
Look, there’s no need to cry, come on, it isn’t that bad.
You know, whenever I’m upset, I try to make myself laugh by making up a rhyme… some of them are really funny!
Would you like to hear one?
Would you like to hear one kids?
OK then, here goes:
Scotty had a spotty botty,
he sat upon a big red potty,
He’d eaten mashed up peas and sprouts,
And when he trumped, it all came out!
Te-he-he-he-he-he…
How’s about this one then:
Tony is a big brown bear,
Creep up to him, if you dare
Do not confuse him with a teddy,
Or you will end up in his belly!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…
Ok, ok, ok… here’s another one!
It was a cold and wet November day
When Grandma said goodbye
She jumped aboard her spaceship
And shot into the sky!
[CINDERS and BUTTONS roll around on the floor in fits of laughter]
BUTTONS
See, its not that bad…
[FLORA and FAUNA ENTER]
FLORA
Who on earth is making all this noise!
FAUNA
Who on earth is Making all this noise?
FLORA
I just said that!
FAUNA
Did you, oh sorry, I wasn’t listening.
FLORA
Who on earth is making all this noise!
FAUNA
You just said that!
[FLORA BELTS FAUNA]
FLORA
Oh… so there you are CINDERS… running off with your boyfriend were you. You’re needed back home, the prince is coming and the place needs to be spotless
FAUNA
Spotless…yes.
[FLORA GIVES FAUNA A LOOK LIKE SHE WILL BELT HER]
FLORA
So get a move on and leave baubles alone!
FAUNA
Yes leave Baubles alone
[To BUTTONS]
Hi, Biggles
[FLORA BELTS FAUNA]
[CUE spooky sound off stage]
BUTTONS
What was that… did anyone else hear that.
CINDERS
I heard it!
FLORA
YOU heard nothing CINDERS… what you heard was probably Fauna’s belly rumbling
FAUNA
Well it has been a while since I’ve eaten.
BUTTONS
No it wasn’t. It sounded a bit like a ghostly wail
CINDERS
Well they do say these woods are haunted
FLORA
HAUNTED my AR…..
INTERUPTED BY FLORA
…rubbish, there not haunted
(starts to look round as if not sure)
[CUE GHOSTLY SOUND AGAIN]
FAUNA
Even I heard it that time!
FLORA
All right, alright, we are quite safe… the Brats in the audience will tell us if there is anything there, won’t you brats?
BUTTONS
Oh go on kids, even I’m feeling a bit scared, I don’t like creapy crawlies and snakes and spiders and SKELINGGGTONS!
[INTO ITS BEHIND YOU ROUTINE WITH ROB TECH SPOOK STARRING ROLE!]
FINNISH WITH TAP ON SHOULDER AND RUN OFF ROUTINE.
ONCE SPOOKY ROB HAS RUN OFF WE ARE LEFT WITH UGLY SISTERS ONLY
FAUNA
Well, thank you!
FLORA
Nothing scares me you know
FAUNA
What, not even Michael Jackson!
FLORA
Well, I guess he is a bit scary!
FLORA
WE had better be getting back, its getting light!
FAUNA
OH YES.. of course, the Prince! THE PRINCE!!!
BOTH EXIT
END OF SCENE 4
SCENE FIVE
The kitchen in CINDERS HOUSE Cinders is asleep on the floor
NARRATOR
And so its back to Cinders’ house
Just in time, the cock’s announced
For its break of day and all about
An excited hum, sometimes even a shout
For the prince has arrived, to find his bride
And this is no time for our Cinders to hide!
FLATULA ENTERS
FLATULA
Cinders! Cinders! Where have you been.
I wanted this place spotless.
Look at it, it’s a tip and its all your fault!
Clean it up at once!
[A LOUD KNOCK on the door]
IT’S TOO LATE!
He’s here, where are your sisters??
Come on, chop, chop, make yourself invisible.
[CINDERS HIDES]
PRINCE CHARMING and BUTTONS ENTER
PRINCE CHARMING
Sorry to barge in good lady, but I have an urgency
FLATULA
The toilets over there.
PRINCE CHARMING
I am here to find my bride, I have her shoe and who ever it fits, I’m going to marry too!
FLATULA
Oh, there it is. I was wondering where that shoe of mine went, thank you for returning it your highness!
[FLATULA SNATCHES SHOE OFF PRINCE, she tries squeezing it onto her foot, but it won't fit]
Where’s the scissors?
PRINCE CHARMING
No, no, good lady, I’m afraid the shoe, does not appear to fit!
Are there any more nice young ladies in this beautiful home of yours?
FLATULA
Yes, yes. That’s it, it must belong to one of my two beautiful daughters, Flora and Fauna… I think they just nipped out to help the poor… or something else good and godly.
PRINCE CHARMING
In that case I will wait and see if the slipper fits either of these two gracious girls.
BUTTONS
No need sire, for there is another beauty who dwells in this house, she looks divine, and I wish she could be mine, but she loves you, so I think I will just have to have her as a very close friend… Cinders!
[CINDERS COMES OUT OF HIDING]
CINDERS
Your majesty (bows)
PRINCE CHARMING
My lord, what a wondrous vision I see before me, what beauty, what radiance, what great ti….. (gets nudged by BUTTONS)
Arise sweet thing, for it seems only right that this slipper can belong to you, please try it on.
[CINDERS DOES]
PRINCE CHARMING
It fits!
FLATULA
It fits! (faints)
CINDERELLA
It fits!
[PRINCE CHARMING AND CINDERS EMBRASE]
PRINCE CHARMING
My darling
CINDERS
My love
BUTTONS
My stomach!
[UGLY SISTERS BARGE IN]
FLORA and FAUNA
What did we miss???
(both see Prince and Cinders and then faint, if not good first time, do it again, and one of them maybe a third time to outdo the other)
END OF SCENE 5
SCENE SIX: Outside the Palace
NARRATOR
And so we near the end of our tale
Of a beautiful girl and a handsome male
The sisters are down and the mothers depressed
But once again, that’s all for the best
And so now to, a big finale
As we wave goodbye to this extraordinary party
But before we go, perhaps we should see
Cinders’ wedding… aw don’t she look sweet!
VICAR
I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride!
[PRINCE CHARMING AND CINDERS SNOG]
ALL CHEER
FAIRYBELL
Well children young and old alike
This story shows what just might
Happen on a lucky day
When fate seems to go your way
So no-matter what it is you do
It only shows dreams can come true
CAST SING DISNEY MEDLEY
THE END! (thank god)
© simon garlick
madgarlick