The Night-watchman

The Night-watchman

A short film about a man and his dog, who search the sky for aliens after hearing a local radio news report.

CHARACTERS

JACK:
A man in his late 50s, he is old school, used to be a miner, but he was made redundant years ago. Last year his wife, Irene, died.

FRANCO:
Franco is a Jack Russell terrier, his owner is Jack. Franco is very sarcastic.

MRS BOSSTLETWAITE:
Mrs Bossletwaite is one of Jack’s neighbours, she often checks up on him since Irene’s death.

HAROLD:
Harold is an old man; he is thin and drawn. He was an old man when Jack first met him, when he started as an apprentice down the mine.

The Night-watchman

Jack is in his Kitchen. It is a very small affair, he makes a brew and has almost finished preparing a fry up, his dog is watching him cooking the food, he pours the contents of the frying pan onto a large plate and then sits down, dog sits beside him and looks towards food. The radio has been playing in the background and as he tucks in he realises that he has left his cup of tea on the side next to the kettle. As he gets up to retrieve it a news ‘and finally’ item is heard, saying that there have been reports of strange shaped aircraft (UFOs) being seen flying over the moors, he turns the volume up and stands attentively listening.
Once the bulletin is over he takes a slurp of his tea and leans over to a unit handle where a dog lead is kept. He takes the dog lead, turns to his dog and says:

JACK

Come on Franco, Time for a walk.

Franco troddles over to Jack, and the pair exit the kitchen and head down the hall towards the front door. Once at the front door, Jack unlocks five bolts and Yale locks and goes to turn the door handle. He stops, looks at Franco, mutters something and re-locks all five of the locks he has just unlocked, turns back towards the kitchen and walks back down the hall. Franco remains at the door and looks longingly at the handle.
Back in the Kitchen jack boils the kettle, takes out an old flask, makes about a pint of tea and pours it into the flask, Whilst this is happening, he also makes some ham and cheese sandwiches and wraps them in an old sheet of grease proof paper. He also takes a small tin of Butter beans out of a cupboard and places them, along with the flask and the sandwiches into an old nap-sac and once again, heads towards the door. Jack reaches the door and Franco starts wagging his tail.
Jack once again starts unlocking the locks, goes to open the door, looks at Franco and once again re-locks all the locks and heads back into the kitchen. Franco lies down, looking very sullen.
Back in the Kitchen Jack goes to the radio (which has been playing all this time, the station it is tuned to plays old style archers music) switches it off and picks it up. Jack takes it with him. He heads back to the door; Franco stands up and once again wags his tail. Jack unlocks all the locks for a final time and opens the door. He puts Franco’s lead on and turns and locks the door from the outside.
Jack and Franco walk down the path to the front gate and go through it. Jack has the radio in on hand, Franco’s lead in the other and his nap-sac over his shoulder. They head down the road.

Jack and Franco walk down numerous roads of a small town. On their journey they bump into a couple of locals.
At different points along the way, the following interactions take place.

MRS BOSSLETWAITE

Good morning Mr Ramsay, good morning Franco.

JACK

Good morning Mrs Bosslethwaite.
(Franco looks up at her)

[Followed a little later by:]

HAROLD

Morning Jack, nice day for it

JACK

Yes, I suppose it is.
Come on Franco.

The walk then continues and we see Jack and Franco leaving the town and head up a country lane towards the moors.
The journey takes quite some time, until they reach a gentle hillside. They walk up the hill and find a nice spot in the middle. Once there, Jack takes the lead off Franco, who has a little walk around and starts emptying the nap-sac. Once he has removed the flask, sandwiches and tin, we see him pull out a small tartan rug and a pair of small binoculars. He lays the rug flat and sits down placing the sandwiches, flask and tin back in the bag. He switches the radio on and pats by the side of him for Franco to come and sit down, Franco does so.
We leave this scene with some more archers type music floating over the hillside with man and dog sat next to each other; Jack is looking through the binoculars towards the sky.

Some time later
Its approx. 3pm in the afternoon.

We return to the same scene, only this time Franco is asleep with his head on Jacks lap.
Throughout the next conversation we are unable to hear what Franco says, we are not even aware that he can talk, so we only, in effect, hear and know that Jack has spoken.

JACK

Time for a drink I think. Come on Franco, move over.

FRANCO

I was just getting settled then!

JACK
[Pouring a drink from flask]

Plenty of time for sleep later on. Were on duty now you know.

FRANCO

I don’t think they are going to show… bright lights in the sky! Ha, what a load of tosh!

JACK

There are millions of planets in the Universe, Franco. There must be life somewhere. If they show again I want to be the first person to great them, and you’ll be the first dog. What do you think of that mate?

FRANCO

Bollocks!

JACK

Well please yourself! But one day they’ll arrive, you’ll see.

The scene ends until we return to the same scene at a much later point, its about half four.

Later Still
(We are still unaware that Franco talks)

FRANCO

You’ve never been the same since Irene died; I don’t know why you don’t see a doctor or something.

JACK

I really miss her you know.
[Pause]
Anyway, we can’t all go to get medication as soon as a little trouble bubbles up into our lives.
[Pause]
No, Irene was strong, and I must be strong as well. She used to adore you, you know.

FRANCO

Like bugger she did! She couldn’t stand me, Many was the time that my backside felt the toe of her slipper! Miserable old trout.

JACK

Franco!
[Pause]
I’ve still got them you know,
her slippers.

[Long pause]

What do you think, I bet they’re up there somewhere, watching us, watching them.
Just you wait. I bet they show.

[Long pause]

[Jack reaches into his nap-sac]

Cheese or Ham?

FRANCO

Cheese.

JACK
[Hands Franco a cheese sandwich]

I thought so.

This scene ends and we leave the pair munching on their respective sandwiches.

We return to the same scene at a much later time. It is darker now (about 7pm) and Jack is lying on his back, binoculars in hands looking up to the sky. Franco is lying next to him.

[Much Later]
(The last of Franco’s lines in this section is the one we can hear.)
[‘all the time in the world' by Louie Armstrong, can be heard playing quietly on the radio]

JACK

I like this tune Franco It’s possibly one of my favourites.

[Pause]

In fact, I’m going to say that it is my favourite.

FRANCO

Whoopie-doo.

JACK

There’s no need for sarcasm. I was only stating a point.

FRANCO

Well, I’m bored.

JACK

MMmmmmn…

FRANCO

They’re not going to show you know. Come on, Its getting late, lets go home.

JACK

Yes, You’re probably right. Come on then.
Let’s go.

Jack packs their stuff, has one final look at the sky and then we see the pair of them walk down the hillside back to the town. The Camera stays where they were sat watching them from behind. It then pans up to the sky and we see a bright blue/white circular fuzzy light shoot into shot, stop, spin around a bit and then rocket off, back into space.

The End

 © simon garlick

Cinderella – nothing like a dame alternate lyrics

NOTHING LIKE A DAME: Topaz Cinders Version

 

When the houselights all go down
And the Toffees’ passed around
When the curtains open up
And the room just fills with sound
You see two sexy ladies
But you might not know their names
What are we kids?
We’re panto dames!

We look stunning, We look great
And I’m sure you’ll appreciate
Our timing and our humour
Why not ask us on a date
Two blokes who put on make-up
And big dresses on as well
What are we kids?
You know Darn well!

It’s a good job were not in our birthday suites, for
Underneath, you might get a shock or two boys…

There is nothing like a Dame,
Nothing in the world,
There is nothing you can name
That is anything like a panto Dame!

We feel restless we feel blue
So weve tought ourselves to mince
Put on make-up and false boobs
To attract the lovely prince
We feel hungry as the wolf felt,
when he met red ridinghood
What don’t we feel?
We don’t feel good!

Lots of things in life are beautiful, but sister,
There is one particular thing that is in now way shape or form….mister…

There is is nothing like a dame,
Nothing in the world
There is nothing you can name
That is anything like a panto dame

There are no books like a dame
Nothing looks like a dame
Nothing thinks like a dame
NO-ONE drinks like a dame
nothing acts like a dame
or attracts like a dame
there aint a thing that’s wrong with any man here,
That cant be cured by putting him near,
A girly, womanly, female, pantoMIME DAME!!!!

Cinderella – music cues

MUSIC CUESSCENE 1

INTRO PRE NARRATOR SCENE ONE
CUE BAND
MUSIC: When you wish upon a star (same as fairy sings)

FLATULA LINE INTRO (scene 1)
One of us is going to marry the prince and in saying that I really mean me is going to marry the prince and be very very very very very very rich!

CUE: BAND
INTO SONG: ROUGH AND READY MAN

FAUNA INTRO LINE (Scene 1)

Fauna: There is something wrong with that last line!

CUE: BAND
INTO SONG: NOTHING LIKE A DAME

CINDERS INTRO LINE (scene 1)

Cinders: Flatula is so horrible to me, making me do all this work………………….
What did my mum used to say to me?

CUE: BAND
INTO SONG: YOU ARE NOT ALONE

INTRO CINDERS LINE (Scene 1)

Cinders: there are so many of them, they are all over the place!

CUE: TECH
MUSIC CUE: CATS
INTO CATS DANCE ROUTINE

CINDERS CUE LINE (SCENE 1)

Cinders: I don’t believe in fairies anyway!

FAIRYBELL enters to tinkle sound FX
Cue band: Fairy tinkle

CINDERS CUE LINE:
Cinders: You’d do that for me, oh wonderful, I’m so overjoyed, I think I could cry…

CUE: BAND:
When you wish upon a Star

Into song, when you wish upon a Star

SCENE 2

CUE: Band
Scene Change When you wish upon a star variation
BUTTONS line INTRO
Ah-HMnn I can see them coming now…. Your royal highness please welcome:
CUE: TECH
MUSIC: Old Can Can

AFTER CAN CAN
CUE: BAND
Light when you wish upon a star variation

Buttons intro line
The most rich of rich, the one, the only… Prince Charming

BAND CUE: Prince’s FANFARE

Buttons Cue line
Well all you have to do is make your mind up

CUE: Tech
Making your mind up music

Prince Cue line
My lords ladies and Gentlemen, Eat drink, dance and be merry!

CUE:Tech
Music: MD ketchup Song
SOUND FX: Bell dongs (CD From Jamies CD)

Cinderella

There is a bit of a back story to this pantomime. In 2002 I was working aboard the Thomson Cruise Ship TSS The Topaz, and had the opportunity to work with some of the friendliest, funniest, and most talented people in the world. Christmas was looming and the company who provided the entertainment had bought a Christmas play which was to be performed over the Christmas and New year cruises. The play they had bought was loosely based on Harry Potter and to be quite frank, was crap. All the actors were complaining daily as they were rehearsing this play, and so I thought i would read it and see what the problem was. I read it, was shocked that somebody had been paid thousands for this 45 minute monstrosity and made a flippant coment that I could do better. The Cruise Director Bruce (a fabulous giant of a canadian with a penchant for ladies clothing) took me up on the offer, and so i had 48 hours to come up with a christmas Panto blockbuster. So 48 hours after being set the challenge, this script was placed on his desk, it was then photocopied numerous times and handed to the cast, we had just over a week to produce the show, rehearsals happened day and night around the already running shows. It was a great pleasure to work with so many very talented people, who really worked so very hard to make this pantomime work. Not only did it work, it was a resounding success, brought a very close team even closer and saw the funniest vicar since geraldine granger of vicar of dibly fame (rob made his one line last five minutes!). The audiences (including the Greek captain and Officers laughed heartily at all the right places, and also at all the other places where the fabulous cast endulged themselves.) To make things easier, the songs and dance routines were ripped from other shows that the cast were performing in, apart from nothing like a dame (which was re-worded for the panto) and also we saw the debut of Miss Benne as a Singing sensation, who (despite robs attempts at doing so) really stole the show with her fantastic rendition of the Patsy Cline classic ‘Crazy’. The panto is not perfect, but i don’t have the heart to re-write it. The running time is approx 1hour 30mins.

 

The Script

 Music Cues

 Props List

Nothing like A Dame – Alternate lyrics

Cinderella – script

CINDERELLA
By Simon Garlick
CHARACTERS

CINDERELLA FUNNYBUM-SMITH …………… Our Heroine
PRINCE CHARMING ……………………………… Our Hero
FLATULA FUNNYBUM …………………………… Cinder’s Wicked Stepmum
FLORA FUNNYBUM ……………………………… Cinder’s Ugly Sister
FAUNA FUNNYBUM ……………………………… Cinder’s Ugly Sister
FAIRYBELL ………………………………………… A Fairy Godmother
BUTTONS …………………………………………… The Princes Manservant
GHOST ……………………………………………… A Ghost
NARRATOR
VICAR
VARIOUS CATS, NOBILITY, AND SPOOKS

CAST

CINDERELLA FUNNYBUM-SMITH …………… Cheryl Halliwell
PRINCE CHARMING ……………………………… Jordan Brown
FLATULA FUNNYBUM …………………………… Catherine Alder
FLORA FUNNYBUM ……………………………… Simon Wild
FAUNA FUNNYBUM ……………………………… Daniel Taylor
FAIRYBELL ………………………………………… Rowena Toledo
BUTTONS …………………………………………… Benne
GHOST ……………………………………………… Rob Treharne
NARRATOR ………………………………………… Simon Garlick
VICAR ……………………………………………….. Rob Treharne
CATS, NOBILITY, AND SPOOKS ….. Broadway and le’Caberet dancers

SCENES

The Kitchen at Cinders’ House
A Ballroom at the Princes Castle
The Kitchen at Cinders’ House
A Spooky Forest
The Kitchen at Cinders’ House
The Princes castle

Music and Dance Routines

Scene 1:
Flatula sings – Rough and Ready man
Flora and fauna sing – Nothing like a Dame
Cinder’s Sings – You are not Alone
Fairybell Sings – When you wish upon a star
Dancers ‘Cats’ Routine

Scene 2:
Dancers Ballroom dance Routine 1st Can Can 2nd : making your mind up 3rd : ketchup
Buttons Sing: CRAZY?

Scene 4:

Scene 5:
Company Sing: Disney Medley

And So It Begins

BLACKOUT

Band Play When you wish upon a star

SCENE 1
THE KITCHEN IN CINDERELLA’S HOUSE

The Stage is in Darkness, Cinders is Fixing the ball gowns of the two ugly sisters who are drinking mugs of tea. The narrator enters Stage right and begins speech.

NARRATOR

Welcome all to this wondrous tale
Of Princes rich and maidens pure
Of wishes granted, dreams made true
Of love, romance and evil too.
We’ll go back when, to tales of old
Where summer’s hot and winter’s cold
And a young girl dreams for her one true love
She preys unto the stars above
As the grimy floors she starts to scrub.

Her only dream, can it come true?
I guess we’ll see and so will you
For this indeed is a fairytale
With twists and turns and ghosts that wail
So while the captain calls set sail
Sit back, relax and enjoy our tale
Of Cinderella and her stepmum
Two sisters too and a guy called buttons
Of a fairy who is pure of heart
And our first technician, who demanded a part
A shoe that fits and a wood that’s scary
A prince who’s handsome, did I mention the fairy?
I think I did so lets get started
We’ll join the ugly sisters sharpish
As they get dressed up for a dead posh party!

FLORA

Oh my goodness, can you believe that it’s the prince’s ball, this very eve?

FAUNA

Indeed dear Flora, I must confess, I need a spanking… brand new dress!

FLORA

Please tell me Fauna, why do you speak, in rhyme, it really does sound sweet.

FAUNA

That’s the writer see, he’s such a traditionalist, all this poetic scribble must have hurt his wrist, because it stops right here!

FLATULA
[Off Stage]

Cinders! Cinders! Where is that dratted girl!…CINDERS!!!!

[Enters]

Ah, there you are you horrible little thing, have you finished making your sister’s dresses, the Prince’s ball is tonight, don’t you know!

FAUNA

The Ball!

FLORA

The Ball!

FAUNA

The prince!

FLORA

The Prince!

FAUNA

Oh I’m all wet!

FLATULA

Yes, yes girls, stop your dribbling, its tonight so I want you looking your best. I hear he’s on the look out for a bride, and one of us, (aside) and in saying that I really mean me! Is going to marry the prince and be very, very, very, very, very, very, RICH!

INTO SONG: Rough and ready man

FLORA

Oh but mummy, have you ever set eyes on the prince before? Is he handsome?

FAUNA

Yes is he…. Is he?

FLORA

Oh I bet he is… I bet he is!

FAUNA

Handsome Yes, he must be! I do so love a good looking young man!

FLORA
[Aside]
This is only a play you know Dan

FAUNA

Yes I do know! I am an ACTOR, I went to RADA don’t you know!

FLORA

Yes RADA, so I heard… isn’t that the Retired Alcoholic Dames Association?

FLATULA

Enough of this bickering, girls. Yes, the Prince is very handsome and he’s also Very, very, very, very, very, very RICH!
Now come along, I want to see you in your new dresses

FAUNA
[Aside]
There’s something wrong about that last line.

INTO SONG: Nothing like a Dame

FLATULA

While we are away Cinder’s, make sure you sweep the floor, clean out the fire, make the beds, wash the dishes, cook the tea…. And, try not to get in the way while you’re doing it!
Oh, and while you’re doing that, make sure you clean out the cat litter tray! I can’t have my kitties unhappy. I want to see all of them smiling and happy and clean!
Come on Girls!
[All exit bar Cinders]

CINDERS
[To Audience]
She’s not my real mum you know. My real mum was beautiful, and nice, and kind…but she died… She wasn’t anything like Fungus Flatula and her two horrible fumbling daughters Flora and Fauna, Oh-no, Flatula never lets me do anything nice, why can’t I go to the ball, I’m pretty (to Audience) Don’t you think I’m pretty?

BUTTONS

I think you’re pretty.
In fact I think you’re the prettiest girl I ever did see!

CINDERS

Who are you?

BUTTONS

I’m Buttons

CINDERS

That’s a funny name. Hi Buttons, I’m Cinders

BUTTONS

Hi Cinders! (To Audience) Hi Kids… Hi BIG Kids!

CINDERS

What are you doing here, Buttons?

BUTTONS

I came on the Prince’s orders, I’m supposed to give out invitations to his ball tonight.
He gave them to me a week ago, only I forgot about them and now I’m rushing around trying to give them all out in time. I don’t suppose a lovely girl like you would help me out would you?

CINDERS

Oh you sweet-talker! Well if it makes things easier

BUTTONS

It would

CINDERS

OK then.

BUTTONS

Oh, that’s wonderful, You’re wonderful….
OK, lets see, yes yes I think these are the right ones, I have invitations for:
Madam Flatula Funnybum
Miss Flora Funnybum
Miss Fauna Funnybum
And Miss Cinderella Funnybum-Smith
Will you make sure they get them?

CINDERS

Sure

BUTTONS

You are kind, well better dash…Thanks,
Bye Kids!
Bye Big Kids!
…Bye Cinders.

[Buttons exits]

CINDERS

Its really not fair, why can’t I go to the ball, I got an invitation too, The thing is, I’ve got nothing to wear, and I can’t go dressed like a kitchen maid. Fungus Flatula wouldn’t let me go anyway, she’d probably rip up my invite.
I think I’ll hide it.
Flatula is so horrible to me, making me do all this work, making their dresses, washing the dishes, scrubbing the floor and all on my own…
What did my mother used to say

[CINDERS SINGS: YOU ARE NOT ALONE]

[After Song]

CINDERS

Well I can’t mope around here all day, not with all that work to do. Oh my goodness, I nearly forgot the cats, I had better start cleaning their litter trays, You know, She cares more about her cats than she does about me! And there are so many of them, they’re all over the place!

[INTO DANCE ROUTINE FROM CATS]

[After Dance]

CINDERS

If only my dreams would come true, just like in the fairy tales, where a fairy appears and magic’s up a nice new dress and Turns lots of mice into a coach and some horses. But I bet with all these cats around there aren’t any mice… and I don’t believe in fairies anyway…

[ENTER FAIRYBELL]

FAIRYBELL

Why ever not my poor sweet dear,
You may not see us, but we are always near
To give and grant the righteous wishes
We can even magic up clean dishes!

CINDERS

Are you, are you…a fairy?

FAIRYBELL

I am indeed, can you not tell
I’ve got the dress and wand as well
I live in yonder lush green dell
My name it is sweet Fairybell!

So why the tears my dear sweet thing
I guess its all these floors to clean
We’ll have to whip up something quick
To get you out of this great big fix.

A ball takes place tonight I believe
So sharpish should you take your leave
And head straight to the castle where
A lovely man will meet you there.

CINDERS

But I have nothing to wear!

FAIRYBELL

Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut
Just leave that to me, I’ll sort that for you
I’ll turn the kitties into a horse or two
To whisk you away to the event of the year,
Where there’ll be dancing and singing and the drinking of beer!

CINDERS

You’d do that for me?
Oh wonderful, I’m so overjoyed
I think I could cry…

[FAIRYBELL SINGS: When you wish upon a star]

[After Song]

FAIRYBELL

So Cinders it looks like you shall go to the ball
To dance with the prince, [Cinders] oh I hope he is tall
Beware however for on the stroke of twelve
The magic will fade when it’s the end of my spell.

END OF SCENE 1

BAND PLAY When you wish

SCENE 2
The Prince’s Castle, Decked out for a nice fucking rave. (sorry, of course I meant, expensive party)

NARRATOR

And so it seems our scene is set
Cinders is happy of that you can bet
She’s off to the Ball in a spanking new dress
So is Flora and Fauna and Fetula, who’ll be best
And win the heart of the tall handsome Prince
With the cleaning all done I don’t think she’ll be missed
And so lets go to the castle ourselves
To see buttons again, will there be wedding bells?

BUTTONS

Hi Kids, Hi Big Kids!!!
Are you all right?
I’m not, in fact I’m rather sad. You see I’ve met a girl,
She’s ever so nice, but I have to work tonight, it’s the prince’s ball and I’ve got to introduce all the dead posh people to him!
Oops, I can see them coming, so I better get started:

CUE OLD CAN CAN
Ah-hmmm… Your Royal highness, please welcome

Lady Nadia of Doodlepum
Lord Den of Doodlepum
King Yura of Diddledoop
Lady Angelica of Diddledoop
Queen Elena and princess natasha of Dongleding

AFTER DANCE: OLD CAN CAN

BUTTONS

Yet more arrive! Please allow me to introduce:

Count Slava and Lady Polina of Durdledorf
Baron Von Alexi and Baroness Tatiana of Dimpledoo
Lady Leana and Queen Marina of Dentaloop
Madam Flatula Funnybum and Miss’ Flora and Fauna Funnybums of the small yet pretty cottage over yonder hill.
Well that’s all done so I suppose I should introduce the Prince so we can get this party rocking!
Do you want to meet him?
Are you sure?
Ok then… Please welcome his Royal Highness, the most Handsome of Handsome, the most Rich of Rich, the one, the only…. Prince Charming!

[PRINCE CHARMING ENTERS TO FANFARE]

PRINCE CHARMING

Thanks for that Buttons, splendid intro…
[At the front of stage the Prince and Buttons chat]
So Buttons, my faithful man servant, you know why I organised this ball, I must seek out a queen to join me in my kingdom… It is so very lonely here. So what do you think mate, are there any fit ones?

BUTTONS

Well… let me see… how about Madam Flatula Funnybum.

PRINCE

Too old

BUTTONS

OK, OK, then how about Miss Flora Funnybum

PRINCE

Too Fat

BUTTONS

I see, in that case how about Miss Fauna Funnybum

PRINCE

Too Thin.

BUTTONS

Well all you’ve got to do is make your mind up

[DANCE: Making your mind up]

AT END OF SONG

FAUNA
[pointing at cinders]
Who Is THAT!

BUTTONS
Ah yes how about Miss Mystery Lady who looks strangely familiar, over there?

PRINCE

Yes, yes, now she’s a possibility

My Lords Ladies and Gentlemen from near and afar, please eat, drink, dance and be Merry!

INTO DANCE: KETCHUP SONG

AFTER KETCHUP

[The Dance stops when 12 o'clock strikes and cinders runs away]

PRINCE

Stop! Stop! At least tell me your name!… Please…..
[To Buttons]
Buttons, follow her, I must find out who she is, she’s so delicate, so sweet, she’s beautiful, I think I love her!

[Exit Prince and Party Guests]

BUTTONS

Its funny you know, she does look familiar, she is lovely, don’t you think? I never get nice girls like that, I wish I was good-looking or as rich as the prince, then I’d have a girlfriend too… But nobody wants me… I bet Cinders won’t want me either…

[BUTTONS SINGS: CRAZY]

BUTTONS
[As Leaving]
What’s this… it’s a golden slipper, it must have slipped off when that mystery girl ran away… I better go and tell the Prince.

[EXIT BUTTONS]

END OF SCENE 2

NARRATOR

Well there we have it, pure and straight
Their love is sealed, it must be fate
The party’s over, and what a blast
The Funnybums stayed until the last…
Drop of beer was had out of the barrel
And so they returned in their outrageous apparel
Unto their house, where Cinders was working
The Funnybums were drunk, Flatula was bottom burping!

SCENE 3

[Back in Cinders' kitchen]

FLATULA

BURP!!!!
Oh my goodness, what a great party, I do feel rather strange though…..FART!!

FLORA

Its just not fair, that mystery girl, who looks strangely familiar, was dancing with the Prince all night long!

FAUNA

We didn’t even get a look-in! and us with our pretty little faces as well!

FLATULA

Don’t be silly girls, he didn’t take his eyes off us all night…..
He was just….. shy, yes that’s it, the Prince was shy…. FART.
Look, I bet there is a knock on the door any minute and it will be Princey darling wanting us to go to tea tomorrow night!…FART.

[Sound off: Knock on Door]

FLATULA

See what did I tell you,
[Goes to answer door]
Come in… OH Do come in…

BUTTONS
[Bursting through door (oh alright bursting onto stage!)]
Hi Kids… Hi Big Kids! Hi Cinders…

CINDERS

Hi Buttons

BUTTONS

Ladies… I have an announcement to make.

FLATULA

Yes, yes….FART

BUTTONS

It is very important.

FLORA and FAUNA

Yes, yes
(FLATULA: FARTS)

BUTTONS

Is everybody listening?

FLORA and FAUNA

Yes…ye…

FLATULA (butts in)

Look, mister, bobbins or whatever your name is, GET ON WITH IT!!!

BUTTONS

Oh…OK then

Ah-hmmmmmn…
His royal Highness, Prince charming
Would like it to be known that…
He’s found his queen.
A shoe was left, this very eve.
And it belongs to her, he does believe
So tomorrow when the sun is up,
He’ll come a searching for his love
The perfect fit he wants to find,
And the wearer will become his bride
AMEN….got to dash!

[BUTTONS EXITS]

FLATULA

Oh…oh…how exciting… burp. I just know it will be me, or if not me, at least one of us three!

FLORA and FAUNA

Yes, yes, it will be me or if not me at least one of us three!!!

[Exit Flatula, Flora and Fauna]

CINDERS

That’s it! I’m not staying round here any longer!
That’s MY shoe, it should be me who marries the prince!
But I bet wicked Flatula won’t even let me try it on… She’d cut off her own toes to fit in that shoe… oh, what am I going to do?
I know… I’ll run away!

[CINDERS EXITS]

[FLATULA ENTERS]

FLATULA

Cinders! Cinders! Where is that dratted girl!
Flora!, Fauna!
[Flora and Fauna Enter]
Will you find that runt! I want this place spotless before the Prince arrives tomorrow!

END OF SCENE 3

SCENE 4
A DARK AND SCARY WOOD

[NARRATOR ENTERS]

NARRATOR

And so it would seem that fates not set
For poor Cinderella seems rather upset
She’s just run away from her house and her home
But she’s gone the wrong way, into the woods she has roamed.
For there, there are spooks and horrible ghosties,
And evil things that eat humans in toasties
And so it looks like Cinders’ end is nigh,
Unless a hapless hero can save the day!

[ENTER CINDERS]

Oh-no, I think I’m lost, and this wood looks oh-so-very dark! Why did I run away… Oh why did my mummy die… Oh why, oh why, oh why???

[CINDERS CRIES]

[ENTER BUTTONS]

BUTTONS

Hi Kids, Hi Big Kids
Hi Cinders … what are you doing here, all alone in these big dark woods?

CINDERS

Oh Buttons…Buttons! Thank goodness you’re here… I’m so sorry… I’ve run away because I went to the ball and I fell in love with the prince and I lost my shoe and Flatula was burping and laughing and oh-so cruel and I just don’t know what to do…

BUTTONS

I thought that mystery girl looked familiar… It was you, wasn’t it?

CINDERS

Yes, yes it was me Buttons, but… but… but.
[Cinders starts to cry]

BUTTONS

Now, now, don’t cry… it will be all right…Take my hanky

[Gives hanky to Cinders, Cinders blows nose very loudly!]

I’m here now… Cinders… do you really love the Prince?

CINDERS

Yes, yes, with all of my heart, I love him so much
[BLOWS NOSE AGAIN, even more loudly]
[Buttons turns away during this and her answer, but he soon turns back]

BUTTONS

Look, there’s no need to cry, come on, it isn’t that bad.
You know, whenever I’m upset, I try to make myself laugh by making up a rhyme… some of them are really funny!

Would you like to hear one?
Would you like to hear one kids?

OK then, here goes:

Scotty had a spotty botty,
he sat upon a big red potty,
He’d eaten mashed up peas and sprouts,
And when he trumped, it all came out!

Te-he-he-he-he-he…

How’s about this one then:

Tony is a big brown bear,
Creep up to him, if you dare
Do not confuse him with a teddy,
Or you will end up in his belly!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…

Ok, ok, ok… here’s another one!

It was a cold and wet November day
When Grandma said goodbye
She jumped aboard her spaceship
And shot into the sky!

[CINDERS and BUTTONS roll around on the floor in fits of laughter]

BUTTONS

See, its not that bad…

[FLORA and FAUNA ENTER]

FLORA

Who on earth is making all this noise!

FAUNA

Who on earth is Making all this noise?

FLORA

I just said that!

FAUNA

Did you, oh sorry, I wasn’t listening.

FLORA

Who on earth is making all this noise!

FAUNA

You just said that!

[FLORA BELTS FAUNA]

FLORA

Oh… so there you are CINDERS… running off with your boyfriend were you. You’re needed back home, the prince is coming and the place needs to be spotless

FAUNA

Spotless…yes.
[FLORA GIVES FAUNA A LOOK LIKE SHE WILL BELT HER]

FLORA

So get a move on and leave baubles alone!

FAUNA

Yes leave Baubles alone
[To BUTTONS]
Hi, Biggles

[FLORA BELTS FAUNA]

[CUE spooky sound off stage]

BUTTONS

What was that… did anyone else hear that.

CINDERS

I heard it!

FLORA

YOU heard nothing CINDERS… what you heard was probably Fauna’s belly rumbling

FAUNA

Well it has been a while since I’ve eaten.

BUTTONS

No it wasn’t. It sounded a bit like a ghostly wail

CINDERS

Well they do say these woods are haunted

FLORA

HAUNTED my AR…..

INTERUPTED BY FLORA

…rubbish, there not haunted
(starts to look round as if not sure)

[CUE GHOSTLY SOUND AGAIN]

FAUNA

Even I heard it that time!

FLORA

All right, alright, we are quite safe… the Brats in the audience will tell us if there is anything there, won’t you brats?

BUTTONS

Oh go on kids, even I’m feeling a bit scared, I don’t like creapy crawlies and snakes and spiders and SKELINGGGTONS!

[INTO ITS BEHIND YOU ROUTINE WITH ROB TECH SPOOK STARRING ROLE!]

FINNISH WITH TAP ON SHOULDER AND RUN OFF ROUTINE.
ONCE SPOOKY ROB HAS RUN OFF WE ARE LEFT WITH UGLY SISTERS ONLY

FAUNA

Well, thank you!

FLORA

Nothing scares me you know

FAUNA

What, not even Michael Jackson!

FLORA

Well, I guess he is a bit scary!

FLORA

WE had better be getting back, its getting light!

FAUNA

OH YES.. of course, the Prince! THE PRINCE!!!

BOTH EXIT

END OF SCENE 4

SCENE FIVE

The kitchen in CINDERS HOUSE Cinders is asleep on the floor

NARRATOR

And so its back to Cinders’ house
Just in time, the cock’s announced
For its break of day and all about
An excited hum, sometimes even a shout
For the prince has arrived, to find his bride
And this is no time for our Cinders to hide!

FLATULA ENTERS

FLATULA

Cinders! Cinders! Where have you been.
I wanted this place spotless.
Look at it, it’s a tip and its all your fault!
Clean it up at once!

[A LOUD KNOCK on the door]

IT’S TOO LATE!
He’s here, where are your sisters??
Come on, chop, chop, make yourself invisible.

[CINDERS HIDES]

PRINCE CHARMING and BUTTONS ENTER

PRINCE CHARMING

Sorry to barge in good lady, but I have an urgency

FLATULA

The toilets over there.

PRINCE CHARMING

I am here to find my bride, I have her shoe and who ever it fits, I’m going to marry too!

FLATULA

Oh, there it is. I was wondering where that shoe of mine went, thank you for returning it your highness!

[FLATULA SNATCHES SHOE OFF PRINCE, she tries squeezing it onto her foot, but it won't fit]

Where’s the scissors?

PRINCE CHARMING

No, no, good lady, I’m afraid the shoe, does not appear to fit!
Are there any more nice young ladies in this beautiful home of yours?

FLATULA

Yes, yes. That’s it, it must belong to one of my two beautiful daughters, Flora and Fauna… I think they just nipped out to help the poor… or something else good and godly.

PRINCE CHARMING

In that case I will wait and see if the slipper fits either of these two gracious girls.

BUTTONS

No need sire, for there is another beauty who dwells in this house, she looks divine, and I wish she could be mine, but she loves you, so I think I will just have to have her as a very close friend… Cinders!

[CINDERS COMES OUT OF HIDING]

CINDERS

Your majesty (bows)

PRINCE CHARMING

My lord, what a wondrous vision I see before me, what beauty, what radiance, what great ti….. (gets nudged by BUTTONS)
Arise sweet thing, for it seems only right that this slipper can belong to you, please try it on.

[CINDERS DOES]

PRINCE CHARMING

It fits!

FLATULA

It fits! (faints)

CINDERELLA

It fits!

[PRINCE CHARMING AND CINDERS EMBRASE]

PRINCE CHARMING

My darling

CINDERS

My love

BUTTONS

My stomach!

[UGLY SISTERS BARGE IN]

FLORA and FAUNA

What did we miss???
(both see Prince and Cinders and then faint, if not good first time, do it again, and one of them maybe a third time to outdo the other)

END OF SCENE 5
SCENE SIX: Outside the Palace

NARRATOR

And so we near the end of our tale
Of a beautiful girl and a handsome male
The sisters are down and the mothers depressed
But once again, that’s all for the best
And so now to, a big finale
As we wave goodbye to this extraordinary party
But before we go, perhaps we should see
Cinders’ wedding… aw don’t she look sweet!

VICAR

I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride!
[PRINCE CHARMING AND CINDERS SNOG]
ALL CHEER

FAIRYBELL

Well children young and old alike
This story shows what just might
Happen on a lucky day
When fate seems to go your way
So no-matter what it is you do
It only shows dreams can come true

CAST SING DISNEY MEDLEY

THE END! (thank god)

© simon garlick